kiy when 20

dec 25 2025 , 11:43 pm

i am desperate for attention. i wasn’t always like this. i used to be the friend who didn’t ask questions, the one who listened but didn’t lean in. people loved me anyway. i don’t know why—maybe i was just easier to love when i wasn’t trying.

there was this one friend. she used to tell me how much “kiy” meant to her. i never really knew what to do with that. i never gave her much of my time. we barely talk now. not because anything ended, just because life moved, and we moved with it. she still says it sometimes, in texts that feel like notes left on a table. i read them, but i don’t know how to answer.

now kiy is desperate. desperate for attention, but not from here. because here doesn’t feel like mine. the attention i want lives somewhere else. it lives on the internet.

places on the internet for attention lovers, lmao.

A) chess.com ;

like a silent café. the kind where you only speak through the clatter of pieces. a connection that’s pure and based on the strategy and silence—until the game ends and you type “good game” and hope for a paragraph in return. you don’t get one. the board empties. you’re alone in the café again. guess what- i made a friend there once. two years ago. i think he’s done with me now, lmao. but he promised he’d invite me to his wedding. so there’s that. yay.

B) youtube streams ;

then my brother showed me the tide pools: youtube streams with three viewers. it feels like a small, dimly lit room where the door is always unlocked. you slip inside. the streamer says your username. you type “gl hf” and they read it out loud. for sixty minutes, you’re not a ghost. you’re text on a screen. you’re a tiny, quantifiable hit of dopamine for a stranger. it’s immediate. it’s enough.

C) instagram gc ;

instagram is different. you have to invest attention to get it back. it’s not immediate, but it’s steady and you might be lucky to get some attention. i joined a chess group chat once. and i met a ….hold on , i think this needs to be mentioned in my highlights of ‘when kiy was 20’ .

Sometimes I think I’m building a room in the middle of nowhere— one chair for me, one for whoever decides to sit across from me. I imagine a line forming outside, people coming in one by one, and I keep talking, hoping one of them is as desperate for attention as I am. But today, the line is empty. No one thought to show up— as if the entrance test for being attention-deprived wasn’t worth taking seriously. Tonight, I just stare at the chair no one occupies. It’s quiet. and sad ( i guess (( not sure)) )

brought to you by kiy’s brain

jan 21 2026

Outside the Box

They say you shouldn’t live in a box. ( they is me here ) I agree. I don’t want to live in one, either. My goal is to be the observer outside the box, watching myself go through the motions. Calm, detached, floating above the noise.

In theory, it’s perfect: I don’t give a fuck about things I can’t control. Life has no inherent purpose. 10668 days left. Why sweat the small stuff? Why care?

But here’s the truth—I do care. I care so much . I am aware of the cosmic joke, and yet my heart still races. My stomach still drops. I still lose sleep over things that, in the grand scheme of my 10668 days, mean absolutely nothing.

It’s the ultimate contradiction: to see the box clearly, to even understand its flimsy walls, and still feel them closing in. To know that nothing really matters, but to be terrified of failing your ISA, of disappointing someone, of a tomorrow that feels uncertain.

So yes, I am philosophically “outside the box.” But practically? I am so inside it I can touch the ceiling. I am, as they say, thoroughly cooked for ISA .

The observer and the participant, at war. kiy

feb 15 2026

yo , reddit guy

the subject was apparently normal few days ago . Then she read a reply to her comment on Reddit that said , I have bookmarked it, please keep writing ."

first of all , there was no need for you to inform me that this is bookmarked and being read by actual chalta-phirta human . it’s on the internet but still. some illusions are nice .

also , ’ please keep writing ’ - ?????? what exactly is that supposed to mean ?. tbh, I don’t have anything to write . I don’t live extra . Infact I barely live above subliminal threshold. I just exist in a loop you can say ( staying in the same loop , still not failing to make the same mistakes , phirse morning ka first class miss kar gayi 😔 , impressive consistency indeed )

but now that i apparently have an audience ( yes , definitely you ) , I feel mildly responsible to upgrade my storyline .

like that quote from Fantastic Mr. Fox: ‘Honey, I’m seven non-fox years old. My father died at seven and a half. I don’t want to live in a hole anymore. I’m going to do something about it. ‘and he actually does something about it . Respect

So here’s a gameplan , which is extremely predictable gameplan - aka classic rat race . I haven’t tasted the rat race since my last competitive exam ( NEET ) . Then the gene responsible to cause fear of being average and not getting selected to reproduce ( which is ….evolution-core ) triggered me .

step 1 : go from being an average med student in a class of 100 to somewhere near ’topper’ territory.

step 2 : impress the birthgiver ( Dad ) with the results

step 3 : claim the rewards . Yes , there was a deal . He may not have been serious when he made it , but guess what A DEAL IS A DEAL - regardless of intention, tone , facial expression or surrounding circumstances. the deal : he funds my mini-trip.

step 4 : go on that mini-trip. Preferably somewhere scenic . Maybe the valley of flowers, india ( which is my current lock screen- walpaper)

W planner , L executer

kiy